I am drawn to men that are too broken to be fixed
And beyond the point of being saved
But I wait
And ready the tools I think I’ll need
To make them whole again.
I fortified my bedroom with post-its,
Performed a thorough search for intruders,
Chasing shadows away from the closet,
Behind the dresser,
And underneath the bed.
I chased.
And I ran.
And I forgot to breathe for myself in the process.
I tried to fix you and broke myself along the way.
I was fighting for us both,
But now I’m fighting alone.
I am drawn to men that already have someone to love.
The switch is flipped inside before I can adjust.
So I build friendships on the foundation of a sliver of hope
And lower my expectations.
I secretly envy the girl who gets to experience him in ways I never will.
In ways I shouldn’t.
In ways I can’t.
I chased.
I ran.
And I forgot to breathe for myself in the process.
Now I’m fighting alone.
I am drawn to men who can’t commit to me.
Everything is on track
As I smile and feel things fall into place,
Then they’re falling out of order.
And before I know it -
This bond isn’t strong enough
I’m not good enough to be the only one.
Not good enough for a dumb label.
But I chased,
I ran,
And I forgot to breathe for myself in the process.
I put your needs before my own and I was left behind,
Now I’m fighting alone.
This separation began a year ago
Blind sided by your disappearance
I stood there
Staring into the clouds we both
Drew wishes from
Disconnected, I started to wander
Further from our home
A friendship molded from laughs, innuendo, and trust
Your permanence solidified my faith
In mankind
Until you broke me
I’m still searching through the rubble
Of what we were
These broken promises scattered in
Millions of pieces around me
Not enough time for you to reassemble…
The silence for the last year
Has been deafening
My vision is clouded by the trails
My tears left behind
I am speechless
Defenseless
And still alone
The building blocks around him get taller every week
After all these years
He won’t even look through the window to see if it’s safe to let me in
I am standing and waiting in this ridiculous rain
Hoping my knocks are loud enough,
That my lungs are strong enough,
That my words are deep enough to get through…
But not to you,
Because this isn’t about you, remember?
I’m going to sit here and pretend that it doesn’t hurt me to see him like this.
I understand this is how it’s always been in the past,
But I’m still waiting for it to change.
I’m waiting for him to seek comfort in my arms.
It’d be different if we weren’t so far away…
I’d be at his castle door, armed with a chisel,
And prepared to get through his fortress bit by bit.
But don’t raise your threat level quite yet,
Because this still isn’t about you, remember?
I let him in slowly at first…
Then let it take over me entirely.
I want him to let me in.
It’s not so easy for me to defend myself against him,
Because maybe I don’t want to.
But I want to give back,
If he’ll just let me.
But don’t you worry,
Because this isn’t about you.
I found a letter I wrote myself back when we first met
My hopes were buoyant with naivity
Words alive with the blissful unknown
Some days I miss that part of me
Then I remember how she let me down
I’m mailing this letter to myself so I don’t forget to remember how wrong I can be
Pin it to my wall until the ink bleeds through to print this paint with my mistakes
I am imperfection bottled and ready for distribution to the masses.
Frozen in this wonderland
Wondering if I made the right decision
You’re stuck on repeat
I can’t escape this scene
And you just hide away
All these feelings you’ve misplaced
{Chorus}
Locked inside, I’m stumbling
Over words I couldn’t say
Your hold on me is burning
How long can I stay this way?
Your gaze runs deep into my thoughts
Wrapped in these twisted images of us
I’m stuck on repeat
I can’t escape this heat
And I just hide away
All these feelings I’ve misplaced
CHORUS
This whirlwind surrounds me
It’s pulling me down
If you’re not there to save me
I might not be around
For much longer in your life
Why can’t you set things right?
{End Chorus}
Use the key to release me
Speak these words you couldn’t say
Their effect on me is healing
How long can we stay this way?
After the high from the concert at Sokol, I was excited and wanted to see another show. 10 Years is by far one of the best bands that I’ve seen live and I wanted more. Long story short, my friend had a connection and we headed up to Peoria, IL to see them perform with Sick Puppies. It was about a 6 hour drive but definitely worth it. Even though the guys were under the weather the show was still amazing.
Tater in the crowd during "Beautiful"
At this show, I was about five rows back. Their set was a few songs short of the setlist in Omaha, but still awesome. During the second song, I saw Jesse point to me but I wasn’t sure if it was me he was pointing at haha. A few songs later, he pointed at me again…now I was sure I wasn’t imagining things. The crowd was definitely thriving on the band’s energy and we were all having a great time – even though I was caught on the edge of a few mosh pits (comes with the territory). During Wasteland (always a crowd favorite), you could hear most of the crowd singing along – it’s always great to see the smiles on the guys’ faces looking at the crowd as we all sing in unison. Right as the band approached the bridge of the song, Jesse reached across the four to five rows of people in front of me and put the microphone in my face so I could sing. Definitely a great moment. After the set ended with Shoot It Out, I hastily retreated to the back of the concert hall to get some air (it was ridiculously hot).
I found some water and cooled off for a bit. Then, I noticed that Jesse and Matt were hanging out by the merch booth (the guys normally meet fans after their set which is absolutely awesome – not all bands do this). I headed over there with Brian to talk with the guys. Jesse said he remembered me from the Omaha show and gave me a hug when we greeted me. It definitely made me happy that he remembered me. I asked him if he was pointing at me during the show and he confirmed that he was. He said that I was one of three people in the crowd that knew all the words to their songs and he notices that stuff during the show. I got a chance to show Matt my tattoo (he also approved) and they signed my Feeding the Wolves album jacket (I gave this to Carissa because we forgot to ask when we met Jesse in Omaha). I told Jesse that I was impressed with his performance because even though he was sick, I could tell he was giving 120% for the fans that showed up and he said thank you and I could tell that he meant it.
One of the reasons I love 10 Years so much: they genuinely care about their fans and it SHOWS. It’s expressed on stage when they’re performing – I think they could literally survive off the crowd’s energy if it came down to it. Of the members that I met, they’re so down-to-earth and relaxed. December of 2010 was probably one of the best months of my life and I have 10 Years to thank for that.
Side note: the drive back through IL and Iowa SUCKED. There was a blizzard that day and a complete white-out on the interstate. It took us about 7.5 hrs to get back (about 2 hrs longer than it took us to get there)…but it was still worth it
